i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
