My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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