wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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