This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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