News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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