I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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