i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
