If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
