Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
