the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
