u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
