just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
