I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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