Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
