someone threw a dead crab at me
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize