Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
