I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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