Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
