I'm going to jail i love you
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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