ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
