Your face is a jimmy john
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
