If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm always down for nudity.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
