saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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