he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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