I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
