Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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