proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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