Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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