I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
