my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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