Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
