i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
