What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
