I'm going to rape someone's good day.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
