the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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