I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
