ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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