Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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