So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize