I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
