Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
he was CRYING into my vagina
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
