I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
