God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
