85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
