totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize