Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
