I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
