I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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