Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
