Best friends brother. Beat that.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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