We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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