I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Drunk is a universal language darling
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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