I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize