Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
