Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
