I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize