Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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