I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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