I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
