Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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