Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
