why didn't you poke me back
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize