I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's shark week go big or go home
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
