life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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