Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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