I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
