if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
