3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize