he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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