I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
